


Feel like myself

by CododylWorld



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fanfiction, Fluff, Football, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Multi, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2019-07-02 04:53:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15789345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CododylWorld/pseuds/CododylWorld
Summary: Liam has IED and the only thing that helps him is football and eventually other things.





	1. Different colors

**Author's Note:**

> Wanna thank Kian for editing this mess. And Tagan for hanging with me on the doc!

Liam can remember when he was ten and he had had his first ever IED attack–that was the first time he held his breath. The first time he felt the ground open up and eat him. He felt like drowning for so long, he felt at odds with himself, like he wasn't really living and he was only a vessel to this darker side of him that always seemed to be in control. It was a pit of darkness and it slowly consumed him, eating away at his edges, making him smaller, insignificant. He could always see one thing when he was in the pit, a face, a face of hatred, a face of anguish, and he could never place who it was or if it was even a person he'd known or, if, maybe it was him. He tried to close his eyes but the dark face would still find him and as soon as it came, it would be replaced with a red so intense that if he looked into it, it would blind him. The red was different, not like the warmth of the sun that he had been so used to. It was cold and unforgiving. And every time the emotions would diminish, they would leave behind an empty husk, taking every ray of sunshine that he had, taking away the pain that he yearned for and replacing it with numbness. It hurt, but not in the sweet way he loved, not in that comforting way that made him feel human. And it was eating him alive.

It didn’t get better until six years later when David had finally convinced his mom to let him try out for football, because it would be a good way to channel everything he felt into something as intense as he was. She had reluctantly agreed.

Six years of holding his breath, six years of drowning, six years of not being in control and on that field he finally had it all back. He could breathe, he could run, and most importantly, he could be himself, the pit of darkness that once possessed him had slowly diminished along with the dark face, and it was replaced with a beautiful blue, the red that soon followed now a beautiful ray of sunlight. It was the first time in so long that something so warm had occupied his face, and he'd welcomed it with open arms.

It turned out that football had been everything he had ever needed. It was the perfect tool to keep his IED in check and it was like he had never had the disease. He didn't need his medicine anymore and it was wonderful. Life was starting to work out. Even more so when he was out on the field, against another team, and he felt like he was on cloud nine, even when he got hit so hard that it would dislocate his shoulder, or when he'd push someone and they’d fall on their ass and he'd look down smiling and feeling proud of the game his team had played, and it all felt like heaven. Especially when he had to run ten yards to score a touchdown and his feet started to burn and form blisters. After so long he finally felt like himself–he could even say a new and improved version of himself. And he lived for it.

He lived for the feeling of the pain of it all. He didn't care if it made him sound a bit like a masochist, the pain was the best thing, and it was a lot better than being numb. He would take a broken bone over feeling numb any day. The pain was the only thing that made him sure that he was alive, that he wasn't in that pit anymore, that he was himself. So he welcomed it, especially when it coursed through his body and it amplified all of his senses and it sent a shock rushing through him. It would give him this new feeling that made all the nicest things in the world seem obsolete.

He couldn't get enough of it and he never wanted it to end, with every game he felt closer to a better life and with each passing day he could see himself being a positive and healthy human, one who wasn’t a liability or a ticking time bomb just waiting to be defused by a pill that made him all high. If football was the only thing that helped him, then he'd be damn sure to make it last.

And he tried to make it last so hard, probably with every ounce of his body. But he wasn't in control of his life, at least not yet. He was still a teenager and he was at the mercy of his parents and when he thought everything was going good and nothing could go wrong, they dropped a major bomb on him and it all went to shit. Because they were moving to Beacon Hills and he had to attend Devenford Preparatory School. He didn't want to move to such an obscure place, and he had begged his mother to let him stay with his grandparents.

“But mom!” he whined while his mother just ignored him for the hundredth time that day and kept on packing. “I haven't even gone to the place and I can tell it has psychopaths! And murderers! We're just asking to get killed!”

Jenna, finally growing tired of his dramatic ass, turned around with a gaze that would even make Spartans tremble in fear. Liam had swallowed hard and never brought it up again. Not when moving day came and they said their goodbyes to family and friends, and certainly not when his mom had enrolled him in the new private school.

With all the moving around, Liam had felt himself slowly fall into the abyss, but unlike last time, this time around he could feel himself drifting off. He could sense that the storm was coming and instead of doing something about it, he just let it be. The descent to the pit he’d once lived in was slow and painful, and not in the way he had learned to love. The blue that had helped him see so clear was slowly being replaced with pitch black, and a face would soon start to form and torment him, taking away the ray of sunshine and turning it into the cold red once again. He thought he was ready but he was caught off guard and he knew that this time it would be worse.

For as long as he could remember he was stuck, he couldn't run or breathe. He was a time bomb waiting to explode and he'd just needed to ignore it and maybe, just maybe he could see the blue again. But he knew it wouldn't happen so easily; he needed the one thing that helped him the most, the one thing that made him human. And lucky for him tryouts were close, he just needed to wait. He waited for as long as he could, and when tryouts came, it felt like, once more, he was in heaven, and all he could do was smile and hope for the best. But sooner or later he would be enveloped completely by the darkness and everything he'd hoped for would come tumbling down.

It wasn't until his second week at Devenford that he finally exploded, that everything finally crumbled in front of his own eyes. It had been after the tryouts for the football team, and he had been the last one in the locker room, taking a shower and trying to wash off all the worries of life. The warm water was soothing, and with the help of the tryouts–which went very well, if he says so, himself–he’d been feeling a lot better than he had in weeks. He just couldn't wait to go home and tell his parents all about it. To finally give them some positivity amidst all of his negativity. He knew that they would be happy for him, and the smiles that they would give him at the end of the conversation would erase all thoughts of a possible attack. Just thinking about it made him feel all warm inside, and he wasn't even sure if he had gotten onto the team, but the mere idea made him think of the blue tint covering his view, and a warm sunshine on his skin. So he clawed at it. He clawed at it so hard that he felt the palms of his hands drip with blood and he loved it, he could feel it and that meant he was human again.

But like all the good things in his life, it couldn't last. And they had to somehow find a way to screw with him, this time in the form of a stupid prank. When he walked out of the showers, he saw that he had no towel or clothes, and the anger that had been slowly creeping up at him–but that, for mere seconds, had even vanished–burst out all at once. And he was breathless for the first time in a year.

He was falling hard towards the pit and he could feel the darkness enveloping him, stealing away the blue that had appeared so fleetingly and he was trapped. Once again, he couldn't run, he couldn't do anything as he drowned. The dark face that had tormented him for so long crept its way back into his thoughts, and the cold red had come even sooner, blinding him with its intensity.

He closed his eyes and did the only thing he could do; be a vessel to his darker self. And that's when he felt it, the pain shooting through his right hand. When he came to, he was on top of Brett–the perpetrator of the so-called prank, and the captain of the football team–and Liam had broken his nose. There was blood pooling at the side of the older teen’s face, but he was somehow still smiling. Liam could even see the pearly white teeth under all the blood and the shine in his eyes. And he couldn't help but notice that this was similar to something else, that this wasn't the first time he'd seen this smile, but he couldn't place it. It was familiar, but he didn't know how, and he didn’t know what it meant. So he decided to ignore it. Like he’d done so many times before. 

And that's how he ended up at Beacon Hills High School, where he now sat eating his lunch, thanks to the darkness that had finally succumbed to his hunger and given him permission to eat. He wasn't as human as he used to be, and the blue and sunshine were long gone, but they were replaced with something else. They weren’t as strong as his beautiful colors but they helped. They made him realize that he still wasn't enveloped completely in the pit, that he still wasn't the vessel to his darker self. He had control of himself, but it wasn't enough, and it didn't matter how close he got to the new colors, that took the form of his two new friends. But every time he'd get close enough, he would be pulled back by the darkness and he led it. Liam was glad that he had found friends so understanding in such a short matter of time. He knew that if one more day had passed, he would have completely fallen into his pit. And so he thanked them, not personally, no, they would never understand. So, he'd thank them with his actions, with whatever they needed, he would always be there for them but sadly, not this time, he’d tried so hard to pay attention to the conversation but the darkness didn't let him, it wanted him to himself. It didn't want to share. If his darker self couldn't have him, then no one could.

He only felt reality when he'd heard the name of the sport he'd yearned for since he had gotten here. So, he jerked his face towards his friends and interrupted them. 

“Wait, what did you say?” 

“About meeting up later–” Corey stopped mid-sentence when Liam waved his hand shushing him, 

“no, not about that. The other thing, the football-related thing.”

Corey looked at Mason who gave him a shrug and went back to looking at a table near the entrance, Corey ignored him and looked back at Liam and spoke “You mean the tryouts?” he said and Liam nodded. 

“Well yea, football tryouts are this Friday. Why? You planning on trying out?” Corey answered and went back to looking at the same table that Mason was looking at.

Having caught Liam’s attention he took a look and saw a brown-haired boy with emerald eyes and a smile that brightened the entire room and once again Liam had felt breathless but this was different, not like before, certainly not like before. This was different. He was present, and he could feel everything that was happening. But all he wanted to feel was the boy’s strong hands on his own body. For a mere moment, the darkness had let him go. He could see the blue once again but this time it wasn't just blue, it was a different color and he’d welcomed it. 

Shaking the seemingly gay thoughts out of his mind, he turned back and looked at Mason and Corey who were still obviously staring but Liam couldn't dare judge him them. The boy was breathtaking.

Liam shook his head once again surprised at the thoughts that had clouded his mind, he wasn't gay, was he? No, he couldn't be, just cause he had thoughts about a very hot guy didn't make him gay. And there it was again, the darkness enveloping him with his insecurities and the new color he had seen for a brief time replaced by black.

And for the third time that day he shook the thoughts away from his mind and looked back to his two friends, “who are you guys fawning over?” he asked, curious on who the guy was and wanting to know a bit more about him, the guy had to be someone special, especially since it made him see something new, something better. But Liam couldn't place it, it was rare but it had been welcoming. 

“That's Theo Raeken,” Mason spoke, taking him away from his thoughts and Liam once again looked at the boy–Theo–a name for the new feeling. A name for the new color. The name suited it. 

“He's the new team captain, the new quarterback,” Corey added almost immediately. And that's when he decided that he had to try out, that he had to get closer to the boy, just so that he could see that color once again. Just so that he could experience that feeling once again. 

“So, Liam,” Corey said looking back at him, finally deciding that it was time to stop eye raping the poor dude. 

“Yea?” he asked focusing his entire body on Corey, not wanting to give in to the obnoxious feeling that was telling him to take a peek at the boy. 

“Mason and I are meeting after school at our local cafe, do you wanna come?”

“Yea sure, just text me the address and the time later on.”

He answered immediately and Corey nodded. Liam decided that it was time to leave, so he got up from his chair taking the tray with the half-eaten food with him. Mason and Corey gave each other a nod and followed behind Liam and discarded the trays in the nearby trash can and walked out of the cafeteria and into the busy hallway. He stopped and tried to take a long breath but he couldn't, not when he felt like this. Not when everything seemed off, and he took a small, shallow one instead and walked in the direction of the field. 

He needed to get out of the crowded place, he needed to be free from the judging looks from his classmates and so he walked. He walked towards the green field that had reminded him of the new color he'd just seen. And he let it take control and it felt different. It wasn't eating at him the way the darkness did. It was comforting but not enough. No, it was never enough. It was still there, the darkness was swallowing him while he tried to hold onto this new feeling and it didn't work. 

Two very different emotions, one foreign and one that had been a part of him for so long and they were fighting, fighting for control over him and he tried to give in to the bright color but it had been weak and as fast as it had come, it dissipated and so he was left with the substitute of blue and sunlight and it still wasn't enough. Mason and Corey would never be enough. He needed more. He needed the feeling of the wind rushing through his hair, the burn he'd feel after running ten yards and the adrenaline he’d get when his team won. He needed football and he couldn't wait to try out for the beacon hills cyclones come Friday morning. 

————————————————————

Liam had been sitting in front of Mason and Corey for the past hour, listening to the muffled sound of their conversation as he looked out towards the street that led to the small cafe. He counted the many cars that past by and as meaningless as it may seem to anyone that caught sight of him, to him it was everything and so he kept on counting them one by one. He let the pattern of silver and white eat away at his brain as it took over from the darkness that was pooling in his stomach. And suddenly, it didn't matter to him that people had been staring at him or that it made him look like a lunatic but it helped. It helped with everything. It helped clear his mind of what had happened in Devenford and it made him concentrate on only one thing: football tryouts. 

Ever since he’d heard earlier that he’d be able to play once again then everything seemed unimportant. That everything would manage to work out. That he’d make it work. Everything could eventually go according to his plans if he'd stayed focused on that one thing but first he’d have to get a certain brown haired boy’s smile that seemed to have plagued his brain–and had taken residence in it–to leave him be, because if it didn't, then Liam would go crazy. 

He’d go crazy for that smile and those wonderful eyes. Liam had never questioned his sexuality, he was straight and that had been it. He never liked boys, he never saw them more than friends, they were just there to be overlooked at but ever since he looked at Theo a couple of hours ago, everything he’d known about himself had collapsed and now he was left to pick at the rubble. And one by one he'd reevaluate his likings, maybe and just maybe, he could change for this new boy? 

He wasn't sure what he was experiencing, it was new and it gave him butterflies in his stomach and not the ones he could control by telling himself that it was just a crush because he’d never felt this. 

“Hey, Liam,” Mason said, taking him away from his thoughts. 

“Are you okay? You seem very distracted today, what's going on?”

“Yea that's right dude, you seem a bit off, you know you can talk to us, right?” Corey added immediately, Liam looked at his friends and smiled at them. 

“Yea, it's nothing really, I'm just waiting for Friday to come around, can't really wait to try out, I don't know if I might get in or not, that's been stressing me out.” and the fact that I might lose it and fuck everything up like last time and top it all off, I also might be gay. 

“Don't worry about that dude, if what your parents say is true then that means you might be the best player in the team and if Corey managed to get in then you'll be fine.” Liam chuckled at that and felt a warm bubble light up in his stomach as he saw Corey shove Mason a bit. 

The bell that signaled that someone had entered the cafe had suddenly ringed and he felt the atmosphere around him change. The light banter that the three of them had managed to acquire had dissipated as quickly as it came. The little energy that he’d gotten from talking to Mason and Corey had started to drain from him and it made his stomach twirl. He looked around and saw that face, the fact that he had seen so many times but still couldn't place where the face that made him shiver and made his heart increase its beating. For the second time that day, he’d held his breath and it wasn't like this morning when he saw a bright smile lighten the room but it was like every time before that. It was worse. The face was here. It was mere steps away. 

He stood there, blocking the entrance to the place or more like blocking Liam’s only escape as he searched for something, no, someone and deep down Liam knew that he'd had come here for only one reason and that reason was him. After what seemed for eternity, Brett had finally spotted him and he slowly made his way towards him. The few people in the shop starred as he walked towards Liam, eyes determined and fierce, a smirk painted on his face. And Liam froze, not ready for the outburst that the teen would soon give him. But it didn't come, Brett sat down and looked to Liam and smiled, it wasn't warm like a smile should be but it was cold and venomous and dark and Liam shuddered just looking at it. 

“So, Liam.” He spat and took a bite from Mason's donut, who looked not the least bothered by it, one could even say that he seemed pleased. Liam rolled his eyes at his friends drooling over the guy and he tried to find the attractiveness on him but he just couldn't, he didn't have the dark brown hair and the green eyes from a certain boy. 

“I wanna apologize from the stupid and harmless prank that I pulled on you. It was very rude of me to think that you'd know how to take a prank. I guess it was my way of welcoming a new hot student to the team,” he said basically eyeing Liam up and down before licking his lips. The comment about him making the team had sent him back to that dark place, he could have been playing football already but he had to ruin it, he’d had to lose control and beat up a dude and now he was stuck with waiting. Stuck in the darkness for a long time when it could have been a short one. But that didn't matter anymore, that was in the past and he had to focus on getting on this team and not screwing it up. He looked at Brett, who had a pleasing smile on his lips, and Liam wanted to see the red cover his eyes once more but he knew that that would only cause more trouble, so he settled on taking the higher ground. 

“Is that all Brett?” 

“Yea that's pretty much it, also I talked to your coach and I told him that you sucked. So I don't expect that you'll be playing soon! Have fun Liam and consider this a tiny payback for fucking my face up.” 

With that, he got up from his chair, took Mason’s donut with him and walked out of the place unbothered. Leaving Liam with dots of red covering his vision. He couldn't do this again, not here, not when people were staring at him, he needed to breathe, he needed to get Brett out of his mind and so he turned his attention to Mason and Corey, who was as equally surprised with the interaction as he was. 

“Well that was unexpected,” Corey said soon after Brett had left. 

“His mouth was on my donut! We were practically kissing!” Mason said practically melting at the mere thought of kissing Brett. Corey rolled his eyes and smacked him in the head. 

“Ow! Why would you do that?!” Mason whisper shouted and rubbed his head, Corey rolled his eyes at Mason who apologized to Liam for checking Brett out while he ‘threatened’ him. 

“Let's just get out of here, it feels weird being here now. Come on Liam.” Corey said and they all got up and left the place behind, walking together towards Liam’s house that was only a couple of minutes away. 

Mason and Corey started talking and soon after Liam decided to join in. The conversation flew from topic to topic until they reached Liam’s house where they started playing video games until late at night. With all the light banter between them, he’d forgotten about his interaction with Brett earlier that day and the worry of fucking up his football tryouts went seemingly back to his head. That was until he was left alone with his thoughts and he felt like caving in and letting the negative thoughts take over and ruining everything. That seemed like the only path he could ever take, and he started slipping to his dark place…and then he heard his phone ring and he immediately picked it up without checking the caller id and all the negative thoughts went away when he heard the voice of Mason, talking intently about how he was gonna be great at the tryouts and how sorry he was for checking out Brett instead of standing up to him but Liam didn't care. Because it might not be the blue and the warm ray of sunshine that he needed but it was enough. Mason was enough to calm him down and while his soon to be best friend kept talking, Liam felt his eyes shut as he slowly drifts to a different world. 

 

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

The time had finally come to try out for his favorite sport and Liam had already vomited four times that day. This was a recent thing, he never puked when he was about to play. He'd usually get adrenaline and had to blow it off at the field and impress everyone more than he should probably have but it seemed to work out the first time and had apparently worked out in Devenford prep if he were to believe Brett’s words. He grabbed his helmet and walked outside to the field where at least thirty teens waited for their chance to play. He sat there while the coach talked to some guys who were starting to get annoyed with their captain, who apparently had too much to drink or something like that, Liam couldn't really tell from where he was. 

After ten minutes of sitting there, sweat pooling around his forehead, Liam began to wonder what type of trouble Theo had gotten himself into or if it even was trouble. Maybe he had gone to bed late or he was running late, either way, Liam couldn't stop thinking about those beautiful emerald eyes that he had seen a few days ago. he’d tried so hard to remember them but every time he did, it wasn't like the first time. His memory would fail him. The color would slowly fade and it is replaced with darkness and red and he just yearned for the green once more. 

Liam sat there, waiting for what seemed like an hour, the Californian heat eating away at him and he felt like melting right then and there and that's when he saw him, after an hour and a half the boy with the emerald eyes had walked in and Liam couldn't help but stare in awe as he saw the brown haired boy walking towards them. If he’d felt like melting before then he was definitely melting now, not only because of how attractive he was but because of the clothes he was wearing. It must have been over a hundred degrees and Theo was wearing a long-sleeved hoodie with sweatpants, which made Liam feel even dizzier then what he already was. Why would he even wear that? It made Liam’s mind race on different scenarios of why he was dressed like that. But instead it just gave him ideas of doing stuff to the older boy and it scared him. Not once in his life had he ever felt like this and it was terrifying but it was new and the adrenaline that came with it was overbearing and Liam couldn't complain. 

But he couldn't let this go to his head, not now when he had already vomited four times, not when he had to proof his worth and show everyone–that had looked at him wrong for beating Brett–that he was worth being on this team and that one little accident didn't define him. He knew it was more than one but they didn't know that. And it didn't matter, not now when he was so close. But most importantly he had to get closer to him, to that new color and emotion that he had never felt before, he had to get in the team to figure out what it all meant.

He stole one more look at the older teen and smiled at the way his brown hair was tugged forward and how his eyebrows furrowed and suddenly he felt like touching him. But he knew that art wasn't allowed to be touched, so he just admired from afar and let all his thoughts run wild. 

After a few minutes of the coach yelling at Theo for being late and not being responsible enough and of Liam daydreaming of a said teen, the coach decided that it was time to start. He yelled at them to get in line side by side and they did. The coach looked at them from top to bottom, taking in every inch of them. He was impressed by some and disappointed by others, Liam was glad that he was built for this type of stuff because he would've died from the reaction that the coach had given a tall skinny, freckled boy. It was basically devastating, he didn't even know how the kid had managed to stay calm. If it had been him then he would already be searching for another school. But maybe that's why the kid wasn't as fucked up as he was, he could handle that sort of stuff and he couldn't because he was broken. 

“We're gonna do two tests!” Coach shouted and Liam couldn't help but wince at the ear-shattering scream. 

“Combine testing and football testing! So give each other some space and when you hear the whistle, START RUNNING AND IF YOU FALL OR STOP THEN YOU ARE OUT!” And with that, the whistle went off and Liam ran. 

He ran as fast as he could, the wind blowing his hair back and his legs carrying him as far as they could and back. The members of the team started gathering around the sidelines, watching them one by one and when one of them stopped or fell they would be told to leave the field and that just made him go faster, not wanting to stop, he never wanted it to stop because this was it, he had it back, the pit in his stomach, the face that tormented and the cold red were gone and replaced but it wasn't enough, it wasn't like it used to be. But why? Playing was the only thing that made him feel better then why wasn't he feeling better? Why wasn't the pain helping? Why wasn't he feeling more human? 

Liam had run for ten minutes straight, more sweat pooling at his forehead and his breathing was short and fast. His speed was starting to diminish and he was getting ready to give up. He didn't even want to know what the football part of the test was, just thinking about it made him want to quit even more. There were probably ten other people running alongside him, he could only make out one: the blond freckled boy who the coach had made fun of, and Liam could only smirk at the thought of the coach beating himself up for being wrong about the kid.

Ten more minutes had passed when the football field had dropped to only two people and Liam was certain that if he didn't get in the team with only this then he would have to give up entirely on ever playing on a field again. 

He looked to the side and saw that the whole team was looking at his direction. He wasn't sure if they were just looking at him or at both him and the blonde kid. Looking at them being all cozy and comfortable while they ran for what felt like hours made his blood boil, he wanted the coach to tell them to stop, his feet were burning so hot and it didn't remind him of his humanity but the fact that he couldn't feel shit. He had gotten everything he had asked for in the last week and now he was slightly regretting it, that was until he caught a certain green-eyed boy looking at him and only him. The boy was jogging in the sidelines, trying to keep up with him. He was staring. Watching his every move and he couldn't help it but stare back at the beautiful boy and smile softly as his legs finally gave out and the brown-haired boy ran towards him trying to catch him before he'd fell but it had been too late, he was gone. 

When he came back, he was met with emerald eyes and a blue sky and Liam knew that this was heaven. Nothing on earth could be so beautiful but with his luck, he'd probably end up in hell and the beautiful boy would soon turn into a hideous creature, ready to devour his face at any given moment. 

“Hey, are you OK? You fainted for a few minutes there, you know?” Music. That's all he could hear. A beautiful string of sounds forming with everything the boy said and it was heavenly. 

“Yea, he's fucked up. Hey Scott! Help me take him back to the locker room.” Theo said and helped Liam up while the other guy grabbed him by the shoulders and they both carried him back to the school. On his way back he saw the coach smile and it made his blood run cold at the thought of him not making the team. He’d run till he couldn't anymore and he was pretty sure that the other guy who was running with him was having trouble trying to even walk. Once he was inside he was placed on one of the benches and he felt himself fall backward when a pair of strong arms grabbed him. He looked up and saw Theo’s beautiful angel-like face and he couldn't stop smiling. 

“I think he's broken. Maybe we should wait a bit before telling him that he made it into the team.” The guy that had helped him earlier, who Theo had called Scott had said and with that, a lazy smile fell on his lips and he felt himself fall sideways into the muscular arms of an angel and he slowly began to see himself in the football field, running alongside Theo.


	2. Not myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this is a bit short but I promise that the next chapter will come sooner! Hope you like it!

Liam remembered the time he'd fallen asleep on his step-dad. It had been years ago but the memory had locked itself into a corner of his mind, always to return when he felt at his lowest and the darkness already consumed him and there was nothing that could bring him back, or on those rare occasions that football would not be enough and he felt the darkness slowly start to envelop him, he’d think of that day. 

It was right after his first ever IED attack. He was staying with two of his friends when it happened. He’d been having fun, screaming, running and just being a normal kid. Sadly he didn't know that that would be the last time he’d feel like that. That that would be the last time in which he would feel normal, in which he would feel like a kid. The last time in which he would be able to play as much as he wanted to, to be able to feel all giddy and childish about everything. But like everything in his life, it didn't come with a warning and instead came fast and it yanked him off his feet, leaving him dangling and scared. 

If he had known, he would've tried to make it last, tried to hold down the last good memory he would have as a kid. But he didn't. Soon after playing he’d found himself taking deep breaths, looking for a way out of the mess that he’d gotten himself into. It had all happened so fast, one second he was having fun, laughing at a joke and then he was being yelled at and told to go downstairs. He didn't know what he’d done but he knew it was bad when he suddenly heard his friend's father calling for David. 

Liam felt drops of water falling down his face, as he heard one of his closest friends yelling to get the monster away from him. He didn't know what this was, this thing that coursed through his body. But he hated it. He felt different like he didn't belong. Like he was unnatural, like everything around him was sinking into nothingness and all he could do was stare. 

His father had arrived a little after the accident. He’d been sitting in the living room, tears falling down his face as he heard he soon to be ex-best friend yelling at his parents to take the monster away. He tried so hard to get the image of the boy gasping for breath and the sound of wailing out of his mind, but it had somehow carved its way into the edges of his mind, forever there to hunt him. To remind him of what he would always be.

His father had rung the doorbell, and Liam immediately ran and opened it. David stood there, looking down at the little kid, smile as wide as the muscles in his face could let him. Liam looked up and smiled as he saw the blue shirt that he'd gotten him for his birthday a few months back. Liam took it all in, the blue shirt that matched the sky and as David lifted him up for a hug, he'd felt the warm sunshine hit his face. It might not have felt like much at that moment but after a few years, the feeling of warmth and the color blue would be the only things that would keep him grounded. That would make him human once more. This stranger had become the only thing that could save him when he'd felt the darkness rise. This man that had come into his life and had accepted him for who he was no matter what stupid things he did. No matter how hard it would get, David would always be there to calm him down, to ground him. 

That was until football came and helped him even more. When he was out there in the field and he could be so much more. But right now he wasn't in the field, the warmth wasn't there and the blue was missing from his vision. The darkness was supposed to be enveloping him, he didn't know what was happening. All he knew was that he’d fainted and that was it. But somehow he felt safe, he felt protected, something that he’d never felt before. He might have felt safe with his parents but never protected, never guarded. 

He could feel a slight pain run through his head as he opened his eyes. He couldn't place what he saw except for a few blurry shapes. He could hear footsteps, and incoherent words being spoken. He didn't know who was talking but he didn't care. The warmth that he felt near his body made everything around him feel as if it didn't matter and he tried to snuggle himself closer to whatever it was making it. 

He could feel his head shake as he got closer to the source, his eyes starting to adjust to the blurry lines that were finally revealing a face staring directly at him. It wasn't just any face, it wasn't just a normal teenager looking down at him. It was Theo freaking Raeken! The heat that he had been seeking out was that of Theo’s chest and the shaking he had felt had been of the football captain’s laugh.

Liam pulled back and saw Theo give him a fond smile as he got up from the bench leaving him wanting more. The craving to curl up to the warmth of the older teen shook him to the core. Never in his life had he thought of cuddling with a boy, but with Theo it was different, the boy was different and it scared Liam completely. Theo looked at Liam and extended his hand, 

“I'm Theo, you?”

“Liam,” he said while shaking Theo’s hand. It was warm, unlike everything else in the room. Theo was warm, he looked soft and caring and Liam couldn't help but stare at his amazing eyes. But there was something deep down, something different and Liam felt intimidated by it but also intrigue. He wanted more, he wanted to know who this person was in every way possible. And he would do everything to get to know him. But he still felt like there was something missing from the emerald-eyed boy, there was something there, and it was cold. Theo was warm on the outside but cold on the inside and that was something new for Liam.

He seemed to be hiding something, something that only he knew and that he would keep to himself until the end of time. And Liam felt like ruining that. He felt like breaking the boy and molding him back in a different way. In a better way.

“Hey–woah” someone spoke from the doorway, breaking them both from the trance that they were in. Liam looked at his hand and saw that they were still shaking hands, Theo immediately took his back and his face went pink from cheeks to ears and Liam couldn't help but smile. 

“Uh, Liam,” Theo said and gestured towards the door where a blonde guy rested on the doorframe, “this is Garret, my best friend,” Theo says and the blonde boy took a step forward and raised his hand, Liam shook it and nodded. After a few minutes of silence, Theo and Garrett decided to leave him alone so that he could take a quick shower before he gets home.

He gets up from the bench where he had been cuddling Theo just a few moments ago. He smiles at the memory and walks towards his bag that's dropped on the floor, he kneels down to pick it up when he sees a small piece of folded paper on the top of it, he took it in his hands and opened it to find a neat and simple writing that said ‘You made it! Welcome to the team!’ 

“What the!” He screamed, smiles plastered across his face as he re-read the card over and over. So it wasn't a dream, he thought back to when he had fallen asleep and some guy had mentioned that he had made it into the team. 

This was it, this was the start of something new and something better. No more stupid pranks that would ruin him, no more feeling the dread of everything falling apart. He had found new friends that cared for him, and now he could do the thing that he most wanted. Everything was shaping up, everything was falling into place instead of apart but it still wasn't enough. 

Something was holding him back, the red was still there, the darkness was still there but it was faint. It was far away from his reach but at any moment it could destroy everything in his sight. He had to play it safe. He had to tread carefully around the invisible line that was his life, one small step and he could fall into an abyss of nothingness. 

He placed the note back in his bag and grabbed his towel, he decided that it was best to take a shower, to let the cold water drown all of his insecurities. The spray of cold water hit his face and he started to think about Theo, how the teen had run up to him before he had fallen before he had fainted. And Liam couldn't help but feel conflicted. Everything he was experiencing concerning this boy was a roller coaster of emotions, it was new and weird and extreme and he didn't even know if he was gay. 

All of his life he had thought that he was straight, he even had dated that girl before they had moved out here for a couple of months and he had seemed to be completely falling for her, he knows that if he had stayed that they would've been together still. But life finds a way to screw things up for him. Even now when he has everything that he can ask for, it finds a way to screw with his feelings. 

“Yo Liam, you in here?” a cheery voice echoes through the locker room, taking him away from his thoughts. He shakes his head and turns the shower off and wraps the towel around his waist, he walks out of the showers and he sees Garrett sitting in the bench looking up at him with a smirk on his lips,

“Uh, yea?” Liam says, and he can't but to duck his head as his cheeks turn a deep red,

“I just wanted to invite you to tomorrow's party, are you down for it?” Garrett says and lowers his head until he sees the blue eyes that are currently looking at the floor. Liam stands there, mouth wide opened, hadn't he just met this dude a few minutes ago? And now he was inviting him to a party? 

“It's for the football team, the team captain–that being Theo–throws a small get together for the new members,” he says when he sees that Liam is hesitant and before he can give an answer, Garrett gets up and tells him that Mason will take him since apparently, Mason knows where Theo lives. 

“Oh well ok,” he says as Garrett closes the door to the locker room. He immediately gets dress and grabs his phone as he walks out of the locker room, he dials Mason’s number and waits for his friend to answer,

“Liam!” Both Mason and Corey yell into the phone, making him wince,

“So?” They asked as if they know why he was calling, they've been expecting his call ever since he had walked into the field and now it was time,

“Well,” he begins and he tells them everything, from Theo, being late to practice to him fainting during practice and then waking up in Theo’s arms in the locker room and that's when Mason and Corey both go extremely quiet, and then suddenly both scream once again

“Hold up!” they interrupt before he gets to tell them about the party, “you woke up where?” Mason asks and Liam feel himself grin,

“I said it once, I'm not repeating myself.” He said, a smile forming on his lips. His friends didn't like that answer very much and decided to scream at him for answers and that only added to his amusement. He walked over to his car and opened the door and climbed in. Mason and Corey continued with the screaming and he couldn't help but drag his phone away from his ear as he flinched at the outburst of sound. 

“Hey! Hey! Just be quiet, it wasn't a big deal or anything–”

“Dude! It was Theo freaking Raeken! The hottest guy in our school!” Mason shouted and Liam rolled his eyes, “not a big deal my ass!” Corey added not helping to his cause as Mason continued to name the reasons why it was a really huge deal. He just laughed and listened, not wanting to take away from their enthusiasm. 

By the time Liam hung up he had been walking up the stairs to his house and using the key to open it, he walked in and took his shoes off and placed them near the door. He continued on to the kitchen where his parents were currently cooking something that smelled delicious. His mouth was already trying to savor whatever it was, and before he could get a look at what they were doing his dad was already looking at him, a smile already on his bright face, 

“Hey, buddy!” His dad cheered as he walked forward and patted him the shoulder, he smiled and sat down on the stool opposite to his mother. He smiled at her, showing her his white teeth as he waited for her to finish cutting up a carrot before he told her the good news.

“You seem a bit happy today, why?” Jenna asked, smile slowing showing as she realized why Liam was being cheery,

“Well, it seems I might be a new member of the Beacon Hills high Cyclone football team!” He cheered and his parents stopped everything to throw their hands in the air to accompany him in his cheering. This was it, he was finally happy! He was finally free from all the darkness, he was finally in a good place...but why didn't it feel like that? He got into the football team, he had good friends and his parents were happy for him. So, why did he still feel weird? It wasn't normal, it wasn't the same as when he was enveloped completely and he was devoid of everything but it wasn't bright and beautiful as he remembered it. 

He was in between, he was stuck between the two worlds. And he couldn't even realize why. He couldn't even pinpoint why he was feeling this way–

“Liam honey, are you ok?” his mother spoke, breaking him away from the trance that he was in. He looked up and smiled at them. He knew he couldn't lie to them but he also couldn't just tell them that he felt incomplete. So, he decided on the next best thing, he was gonna ask about the party,

“Uh yeah, I was wondering if I could go to a party actually?” he whispered not sure if it was okay to ask. It had been a while since his last outburst but they still needed to be cautious, they still needed to be wary of him,

“When is it?” David spoke, breaking the silence that had been there. Liam looked up and saw the worried look that his mother had and he couldn't help but be reminded of how unstable she must think he is. She wasn't wrong. He was unstable. At any given moment he could snap. But right now all he needed was to let go, to be free and maybe, just maybe he would figure out why he wasn't feeling happy. 

“Tomorrow?” He asked and furrowed his eyebrows as he looked for confirmation. They stood there for what felt like hours but could truly be minutes and finally after the weird staring conversation his parents had, they turned to him and his mother spoke,

“Yes,” she began and Liam was already smiling wide as he slowly spun on the stool and jumped off, he was halfway up the stairs when Jenna continued, “but Mason and Corey have to go with you!” she shouted and before Liam could shut the door he turned back and yelled that it was okay.

He walked in and immediately stripped off all of his clothing and searched for clean ones in his drawers, after finding what he was looking for he got dressed and jumped on the bed to try and calm himself from all his worrying. But now that he was in his room he was left with two options. And both of them seem like bad ideas to him. Bot the second option cause talking with Mason wasn't bad but the mere idea of speaking to someone on the phone or even on text made him feel weird. And if that made him feel uncomfortable then option one was off the table. 

Whatever he was feeling was something that he didn't want to deal with at all, it scared him to even think about it. It frightened him of the consequences it could bring. And that's all he could think of as he slowly felt himself succumb to the icy touch of sleep.

____________________________________________

It was high past noon when he had received a call from Mason telling him to get ready for the party. He hadn't even questioned him why they were going an hour earlier just because he wanted to be somewhere else. He wanted to be away from his parent's constant questions about why he wasn't as happy as them. He wanted to be away from his mind and all of his insecurities and after a few minutes of waiting, he got just that. Mason had honked the horn and Liam was already running towards them, he opened the door and climbed into the vehicle and before he could get strapped in, a can of ‘Java monster’ was being shoved into his face,

“Oh shit,” he said while he grabbed it and took a sip from it, “thanks, guys.”

“No problem Li, quick question tho” Mason said and drove away from his parent's house, 

“Why are we going an hour earlier to the party?”

“I don't know, I was expecting for you guys to tell me.” 

“That's weird, maybe they want to kill us?” Corey added and they couldn't help but laugh at that. They kept joking on and on about how they were gonna get butchered by the football team. 

Liam was laughing at a joke when Mason had turned and they were met with a golden gate, it was double the side of his own house and that was just the entrance to a community, he couldn't even imagine how big Theo’s house would be. 

“Theo’s rich?” He asked, baffled by the mere thought of it, Mason and Corey laughed and after a few minutes, they told him that it wasn't Theo but his parents, which made a lot more sense. 

Liam spent the next few minutes looking at the houses, he saw as each one got bigger and bigger, and they all made him feel poor. When they passed an extremely big and beautiful house, Corey turned to him and told him that that was where Mason lived,

“What!?” He yelled, eyes wide as they could get, Mason and Corey both looked at each other and laughed. He then realized that he had never been to Mason’s house or Corey’s for that matter and it just added to the long list of insecurities he was lately experiencing. Why didn't they invite him? Was it because of his IED? Were they afraid that he would snap as he did with Brett? He felt pain course through his body, he hadn't even realized that he was digging his nails into his palms–

“If you think that's big just wait until you see Theo’s house. That will knock you off your feet.” Corey said, thankfully bringing him back from his thoughts. He took a deep breath, smiled at Corey and rested his hands on his thighs. 

After a few minutes, Mason stopped and waited for another golden gate to open–

“Wait,” Liam threw himself forward between Mason and Corey and stared at the giant gate that made the one they had seen before look like an ant, “why is there another gate!?” he asked as the gate opened and Mason kept driving. Corey laughed and looked back,

“Cause like we said: Theo has rich parents like they own multiple properties across the world. They even paid for a school trip a few years ago.”

“That's fucking amazing!” He said and then held his breath as the beautiful house came into view. The house was stunningly amazing. But it wasn't as big as Mason and Corey painted it out to be, yea it was pretty and it resembled a European villa but it wasn't as big as Mason’s or as the other houses that he had seen.

“It’s small,” the words escaped him without thinking, Mason drove them behind the house to a mini parking lot and that's when he saw it. At first glance, it looked small, but now that he had the opportunity to see the house from the parking lot–which now that he thought about it, houses usually don't come with parking lots–he saw a three-story mansion (not a house, calling it that was disrespectful) paired with a huge pool and...what seemed to be a jacuzzi. 

Mason and Corey laughed at him as they got off of the car, Liam following right behind them. 

“You were saying?” Mason said and walked towards the garage, a door to the right opened and Theo walked in, dressed in nothing but swimming trunks and Liam couldn't help but feel his breath falter. If the mansion was beautiful then Theo was a god. 

“Welcome!” Theo screamed and gestured to the property, “to casa Raeken! Where all your worries cease to exist!” 

And with that Liam felt relieved, not completely though. He still felt incomplete, like there was something missing from him. But right now it didn't matter. Right now he was gonna party cause he deserved it. He deserved a celebration for making it into the team. And that's what he's gonna get.


	3. A party gone bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam goes to a party and it fucks him up. He also meets someone that might eventually cause trouble for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! it has been a long time since I have updated but it is finally here! I hope you enjoy this chapter! And I would also like to thank my boyfriend for helping me with this, so thanks babe!

    Liam isn't fond of crowded places; he's never felt secure in them. He can deal with school; he can generally avoid anyone there but at social gatherings? It's much harder to ignore certain people. But he must admit that he was excited to come, to prove to his parents that he was more than just an explosive kid.

    Deep down he knows he doesn't have to prove that to them. They've shown him countless times how much they love him, but it just… doesn't seem to be enough, he needs more, he needs their trust. But if he keeps messing up as he had done back in Devenford prep, he won't be getting that anytime soon.

    Them agreeing to let him go to this party is a miracle. He thought that after that fiasco he would be grounded for at least a month. He has his dad to thank for that. He clearly is the softer of the two… sometimes, but not all the time. But he's clearly the more level headed of the of his two parents. In recent months, David has even been the bridge between Liam and his mother.

    Liam does love her, and he knows she feels the same way, but he needs her to give him room to breathe. Otherwise, he'll suffocate. If it wasn't for David… well, he wouldn't even want to think what would happen had he not come into their lives when he had.

    But he must admit, that they do everything to protect him. And this time… this time he wishes that David had agreed with his mother. He thought today was going to erase everything that had happened up until now. But instead, it just brought back memories from that day.  

    Ever since people had started pouring into the party, all they would do was whisper about him and get looks that would make anyone hide away in a corner but not him, he kept going doing what he was doing.

    That didn’t stop him from hearing the nasty things people whispered about him. It made his blood boil honestly, and he didn’t know how he hadn’t exploded yet… well that would be a lie.

    He does know what has kept him from going over the edge, from seeing that dark red and that void that makes him empty inside.

    It's thanks to Nolan–the other new kid on the team–for keeping him company, keeping him busy from letting those dark thoughts make their way through. He must thank him in the future, although he wouldn’t know how. But he must, one way or another.

    They're talking about football, how they both got into it and why they like it. Nolan seems cheery to be able to talk to someone, and Liam is glad that he’s there for him.

   But, if Liam is being completely honest, he's only half paying attention. The other part of him is paying attention to a certain color that has been plaguing his mind for a while now.

    Nolan can tell that there's something else on his mind but thankfully doesn't ask, he doesn't bother Liam with it and Liam can't thank him enough for it. His mind is in another place, another person to be precise. He doesn't know who it is, but he can see the faint color of green etched into his memory.

    And every time he's about to find out who that color belongs to, he's snapped back to reality by Nolan’s laugh or by something that Liam is excited about and he can't help but rejoin the conversation.

   “Hey, I was meaning to ask you something,” Liam is brought back to his senses when Nolan touches his shoulder lightly, “If it's not too much, of course,” he adds all flustered, looking down at the floor.

   “Hey, it's okay, you can ask me anything no need to get all embarrassed about it,” Liam says trying to reassure him that everything is fine. Even if it isn't really, but he can deal with it. He barely has time to brace himself when Nolan speaks up.

   “Well, um… it's about what happened back in Devenford Prep.” he says, and Liam can't help but feel that bubble of anger rising once more. It's like everywhere he goes, he'll never be able to let this down. Its like a leech and he’s going to have to deal with it the hard way, yank it  off once and for all. But this kid doesn’t seem like the type to gossip, he doesn’t seem the type that would ask him to mock him.

    But its too late for Liam, he’s already getting angrier by the second, and the looks that everyone is giving him are not helping at all.

   “Look” he begins and before he can open his mouth, Nolan raises his hand to apologize profusely. Liam doesn't understand what's happening, but if it stops him from talking about what happened, then good.

    “I’m so, so, so sorry, I didn't mean to anger you, I just… I just want to know what really happened is all. I keep hearing rumors, but I just want to know the truth, and I want to hear it from you. But it seems to be a sore spot for you, so I won’t ask about it. I’m sorry” Nolan says, taking a deep breath at the end.

    Liam doesn't understand anything that just happened, but he's glad that someone wants to know his side of things and not the twisted side that Brett managed to spread around.

   “No,” Liam says “I'm sorry. I’m just on edge, you know?” He says and looks up at Nolan’s eyes and for a second, he gets lost in those eyes of his, and for the first time that day, Liam really took in Nolan.

    He saw his features; he saw the way that every little piece of his face came together to paint the bigger picture and the result? Well, it was amazing.

    With each passing moment, Liam realized that he wasn't as straight as he once thought. First, it was Theo and how godlike he looked, and now Nolan. This was not how imagined his day going.

   “Yeah, I do know,” Nolan says bringing him back to reality, “I can't really say how many times I've felt like running away, or just punching away at my frustration.” Nolan finishes. Liam doesn't even register what he really says until a few seconds after.

   Of course! This had been too good to be true. Nolan hadn’t cared about him, he just wanted to mock him like everyone else. Nolan was just making fun of him right to his face. Liam had to give him that, he at least had the balls to tell that to his face. Others talk behind his back (which only builds to his frustration) he really can’t believe he allowed Mason and Corey to convince him to come to the party.

    And to top it all off, he had lied to his parents and had told them that he was fine, that he was getting better but that was all bullshit.

    “Liam!” Nolan says, a hand on Liam's shoulder bringing him back down to reality, “are you okay?!” The freckled boy continues, trying to make sense of what just happened.

    “Yes,” Liam answers, a sharp tone to his voice. He's about had it with everyone at this goddamn party. This isn't what he signed up for. Not at all.

    “Is everything alright here?” A soothing voice speaks from Liam’s left. He looks and sees Theo standing there, his hair clinging to his forehead and droplets of water rolling down his toned body.

    Liam can’t help himself but trace the fine lines that make up Theo’s well-defined chest. No wonder he’s the captain. He’s brought back down from his dream like state when Theo speaks up again.

    Liam notices something about the tone of his voice, it sounds worried, even caring, but his eyes tell a different story. He knows because he's seen it before, he doesn't understand why Theo has it, but the very same look that Theo has is the same look Liam has when he’s regretting everything he’s said and done when he goes over the edge.

    It's that hurt and sad look that one gets, but… much darker, way darker than Liam's ever seen it. It’s like he’s hiding something but as soon as Liam catches it, it is replaced with a rich boy smugness, and Liam’s mind goes from trying to understand him to want to punch his smirk from his lips.

    “Yeah everything's fine,” he spits out, and in return, Theo raises an eyebrow in confusion.

    “Then do you mind explaining why there's blood dripping from your hand onto my floor?” Theo says, sarcasm pouring off his lips.

    Liam shakes his head, dumbfounded by the words that left Theo's mouth, he looks down, and just as he was told; there's blood dripping down his hand down to the floor.

   He stutters trying to come up with an answer, he doesn't have anything. He can't lie, he's not good with lying, never has, never will. But he has to say something, anything to get Theo and Nolan off his back. He can't stand the looks on their faces. He just needs to get out of there as soon a possible.

   “Well?” Theo asks, his voice filled with concern but annoyance at the same time. Liam looks up at him, meets those green eyes with his blue ones and for a moment he feels safe, but it's just that, one moment. The moment disappears as soon as it got there. He realizes that Theo and Nolan aren't the only ones staring at him, it's more than just them.

    At first, he thinks its a few faces, but he soon realizes that everyone is staring at him. Looking him like he's crazy like he doesn't belong. And they're right, he doesn't. He's never belonged. He's always been the crazy messed up kid who can't take a joke.

    “Hey, Liam, come on it's alright, it was just an accident,” Nolan says, taking a step forward and grabbing Liam's bicep. He shakes the touch away; he doesn't deserve it. Doesn't deserve his pity. He doesn't want or need it anyway.

    He looks down at the floor and whispers with all the strength that he can muster “I messed up.”

     He can feel the rage making its way towards his tone. It's not long before he’s storming away to an unknown part of the enormous house.

   He tries to go as far away as possible, tries to get away from everyone. He can't handle the looks; he can't handle the pitying way everyone glances at him. It makes him feel dirty, like he's a wounded dog on the side of the street. Everyone feels pity, but no one ever stops to see how he is. He’s gotten used to it by now, he knows he shouldn’t, but what can he do when its all he’s ever known?

 

   He blindly walks around the house; he can barely register what's going on around him. Everything is a blur, a dark, cold blur. He can feel himself slipping away, falling down a road that he's sworn not to go to ever again. But each time it's harder, with each fit of rage it gets almost irresistible.

    Lately it feels like its calling to him, trying to lure him to the darkest corners of his mind. Trying to get him to do stuff that he wouldn’t do on a normal day, no, stuff that he wouldn’t even think off.

    The worst part isn’t that he’s falling back down this road, but that he lied about it. He lied to his mom, he lied to his dad. He lied to himself. He said that he was fine, he said that he was getting better, but it was all a lie. Everything he said was a lie.

    If he’s learned anything these past few weeks, then it would be that he doesn’t deal well with change. If anything, change is the main cause of all his anger. He had been fine before his mother had told him about the move, he was the star of the football team, and he had friends that cared about him.

    But now? Now he had no one. Now he was lonely and forgotten. Mason and Corey could pretend to be there, they could talk to him and help him, but they would never be his real friends. They’d never actually be there for him.

    He didn’t realize where he was until he looked up and saw a monster staring back at him. He tried to make sense of it, but it was damn near impossible.

    The face that looked back at him was dark, and monstrous, a rabid dog would seem like a puppy compared to this person. Dark red painted its face, dark eyes replaced the once ocean blue and the baby face that was once filled with hope, was filled with rage.

    Liam couldn’t believe that he had let himself become this thing. He looked down and felt tears coming down his face. He wanted him gone, he wanted to prove to everyone that he wasn’t a monster. That he wasn’t this thing. But how can he prove that? When all he does is give them reason to believe that this is what he is.

    He doesn’t realize what he’s done until he feels a hand on his shoulder, he looks back and sees Mason and Corey standing behind him. Concern plaguing their eyes.  He looks down, and sees his hand bleeding, shards of glass sticking out of it.

   “I-uh” he can’t speak, he can’t even think properly. All he knows is that Mason his hugging him, and Corey is calling someone on his phone. He cries into Mason’s shoulder for as long as he remembers. The next thing he knows he’s being dragged out of the party and sat on the back of someone’s car.

***

    The morning after had been a fuzz, his head hurt but not as much as the aching pain coming from his hand. He tried to make sense of where he was, trying to piece together what had happened. He doesn’t remember much, just crying into Mason’s arms. After that, everything was but a distant memory.

    “Morning buddy,” he heard a familiar voice speak from his left side. He looked up and saw his dad sitting on his desk chair. “How are you feeling?” he asks, and all that Liam manages is a grunt. He hears his dad chuckle and moving from where he’s sitting.

    “Here,” he says, handing him a bottle of water in one hand and a pill in the other.  Liam closes his eyes, shakes his head, he doesn’t want the goddamn pill. He’d rather choke than have that.

    “Liam, come on, I know you don’t like it, but it will help you. Please?” He looks up, and sees his father’s worried face looking at him, and he can’t help but reach out and take the pill. He sits up and swallows it down.

    “’Go back to sleep, okay? When you wake up, we’re going to have a talk, okay?” and with that his father gets up and leaves his room. Leaving Liam to his thoughts, which is the last thing he wants or needs.

    He looks at his bandaged hand, realizing that now he won’t be able to do the one thing that he’s wanted to do for so long. He closes his eyes. A tear falling down his face as he realizes how much he’s screwed up this time.

    He starts to cry, regretting everything he’s done up till now. After a few minutes, he falls into the sweet release of sleep. It isn’t until a few hours later that he wakes up to the screaming of someone downstairs. He scratches his eyes, a sharp pain flows through the palm of his hand. He looks at his bandaged hand, he can recall the memories from the previous night, the broken glass and everyone staring at him.

    He shook his head and yawned loudly and stretched, the yelling became more aggressive, going from loud yelling to hysterical cries. He tried his best to get up from his bed without using his right hand, not wanting to damage it any more than he wants.

    He sits up from the bed when he hears his mother telling his father to leave. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, they had been just fine the last time he had seen them, so why the sudden change? Why now when he needed them both?

    He slowly walked out of his room, the conversation had changed, and they were no longer screaming, his dad had been pleading for his mother to give him a chance; to not take such a drastic measure. He started making his way downstairs, as slow as he could so that his presence would stay a secret.

    He could hear the deadly tone of his mother say, “I told you not to talk to him, not even look at him David” She said. Liam was confused, who did she mean? It couldn’t be him, could it? “And yet, you did exactly that.”

    “He needed to take his medicine! What was I supposed to do then?!” He said, his voice soft and with emotion, almost on the verge of tears, almost. His father may have been holding back, but the thought of his parents fighting because of him took him over the edge. He felt something inside him break as he felt the tears roll down his face.

    He truly was a monster, and no one could say otherwise. He had done what no child had done ever before, he had broken his family all by himself.                He had broken the love that his parents had once had and now they were going to blame him.

    But why wouldn’t they? He was guilty of it. He deserved it. He deserved their hate.

    “You should have waited.” She bit back, it was rough, listening to them fight like this. If memory served Liam right, this was the first time his parents had fought like this, at least, with him around. He tried staying quiet, not wanting to alert them of his presence.

    “And then what? You ask him to come down to watch tv? Next thing I know you’re filling his head with all kinds of nonsense.” She bites back through gritted teeth. He can’t help but want to stop it, so that is exactly what he does.

    He walks into the kitchen; his eyes meet his fathers and he can’t help but want to run to him. The thought leaves his mind when he feels his mother’s eyes on him. He freezes in place, not wanting to cause any more trouble than he already has.

    “Liam!” she says, her voice sweet as if she hadn’t been yelling just now, “what are you doing honey, you should be sleeping” she says and his father turns around, his face in a half smile.

    “What’s going on?” he asks taking a step forward, the tension in the room becoming worst with each passing moment. His mom quickly walks towards him, hugging and kissing his forehead, she then looks at David and with pain in her voice she says,

    “David was just leaving, weren’t you?” she asks Liam’s father and with that Liam’s entire world crumbles. This is his fault, he let this happen, his anger caused this, if he wasn’t so fucked in the head this wouldn’t be happening.

    All he can remember is falling down a pit of darkness once again, the warm red becomes cold and unforgiving, he once again becomes a vessel to this monster to this other person…no he becomes a vessel to himself. This is who he is, a monster that only knows how to wreck things. He doesn’t deserve happiness, that’s something that isn’t reserved for monsters like him.

    The dark face returns, and this time he can clearly see who it is, he recognizes the dark blue eyes looking at him, it’s him, it has always been him. All he can do is let himself open himself up to his true self.

    Days and nights pass, his room becomes a mess, the house is quiet during the day and during the nights it’s filled with the sound of his mom speaking. Sometimes he lashes out at her, he doesn’t mean to and she knows that as well, but he can still see the face she makes when he screams at her.

    After that he stops paying attention to her and to what’s happening. He doesn’t even realize that time has passed since his father left. It’s not until three days later that his mother tells him that he must get ready for school… she also gives him the chance of staying. Which he refuses.

    He can’t stay one more day in this house because he’ll suffocate or worst, he might do or say something that he would regret later. He can already see the way his mom looks at him, the face that lets him know what type of monster he is. She doesn’t do it on purpose, she tries her best to hide it, but Liam sees it.

    He looks down at his hand, it’s almost completely healed by now, he can use it well. He shakes his head and tries to get up, but he’s stopped by the feeling of his hand being opened up and a glass of water thrusted into his palms. “Here” his mother says, “drink this.” A pill is placed on the night stand and Liam can’t help but want to throw the glass to the other end of the room.

    He knows that he can’t keep up like this, that if he stays this way forever everything will stay as fucked as it is. Deep down he knows that his mother and father will eventually work things out and deep down he knows that it won’t happen if he stays this way. This is his fault and if he’s going to try and fix it, this pill is the first step towards that.

    With the pill down his throat he can’t help but think that it won’t get better. How can he do that when all he does is create a mess of things? He’s never helped himself out of things. All he can do now is go to school and hope for the best. But would that even be enough? It probably isn’t, knowing that everyone who was at the party goes to his new school makes it ten times harder.

    Finally, after being driven to school by his mother, he makes his way up the steps to the school. He can feel all the eyes staring at him, all the people stopping their conversations in order to stare at him and whisper things about him. He just wants to run and hide away, hide until everyone is gone and the only companion, he has is the face and colors that torment him.

    “Hey!” He hears someone call after him. He doesn’t turn around, no, he keeps walking, ignoring whoever it is that keeps calling him. He doesn’t have the time for people today. He just wants to get through today with minimal interactions as possible.

    And that’s exactly what he gets. His first period is oddly quiet, no one truly bothers him for except the teacher. “Liam are you even paying attention?” she has asked him after a few minutes of silence. He ignored and nodded his head; he had raised his notebook to show her that he was taking notes and that had been that.

    By the time lunch time had come around he had forgotten all about his two friends, until they sat next to him at the table. They all ate in silence, not a word was uttered, although at one point he did feel a hand squeezing his knee. When he looked up, he saw Mason’s bright smile looking up at him, a way of saying “it’s gonna be alright” without speaking the words.

    After that Liam felt… lighter, calmer even. He took those unspoken words to heart, made himself believe, he made himself hope that it would be true. He had to start being positive about things, look for the brighter sides of things.

    And he tried just that. By the end of the school day Liam felt five times better than he had that morning. Sure, he wasn’t talking but he was paying more attention to his friends’ conversations now and then. One of the things that had improved his day was finding out that he had football practice later in the evening.

    It had been in the middle of fifth period after lunch, he was in history class when Coach had entered the room, he hadn’t even asked Mr. Yukimura if he could come in, he just did. “Football practice at four, don’t be late!” he had announced before walking away from the room leaving everyone in complete and utter silence. Liam had smiled, after that he couldn’t really pay attention to whatever it was that Mr. Yukimura was saying, all he could manage to think about was running through the football field.

    The cold air hitting his face as he sprinted towards the touchdown zone, ball in his hand. He imagined the thundering of the crowd as he scored a point for his team. It was exhilarating. By the time the class had ended, he sprinted towards the field only to be called out by Mason, reminding him that he had another class.

    The last two hours of the school day had felt like a thousand, and the hour leading to practice like an eternity. He probably would have chewed his fingers off if it weren’t for Mason and Corey keeping him company. He had expected them to leave right after, but they stayed. They didn’t say why but he knew.

    He was now in the locker room, getting changed when the rest of the team had walked in. They all kept talking, not once looking at him. It was like he was invisible and for some odd reason it felt amazing to not be stared at. To not be talked about, it was as if they didn’t care what happened.

    He kept doing his own thing until someone tapped him on his shoulder. He turned around to see a black-haired boy looking down at him.

“You’re Liam, right?” He had asked, and Liam only nodded. He mentally prepared himself for all the bad outcomes, but he didn’t prepare himself for the bright smile that the older kid gave him, and he wasn’t at all ready for the words that came out the other’s mouth. “You kind of missed it on Saturday but welcome to the team. I’m Scott by the way.”

    Liam grabbed the outstretched hand and shook it, a smile finally making its way to Liam’s face after three long days of brooding. The muscles of his face felt weird and hard as he smiled, but he welcomed it, nonetheless. It was the first person (aside from Mason and Corey) to have greeted him that day.

    The locker got louder with each passing minute; Liam wanted to get out of there as fast as he could. And he would’ve if it weren’t for his curiosity. Every guy in the locker room was changing, and Liam couldn’t help but sneak glances at them. He didn’t understand why. Yeah, they were fine to look at, but he was too interested in what they were showing.

    He was sitting on a bench, tying his shoes after getting changed into his workout clothes. The room was getting quieter by the minute as the guys from the team ran outside and onto the field. He checked his phone and realized that he still had five minutes to finish. As he placed his phone in his bag, he felt a warmth on his left shoulder. He looked around and saw someone who he hadn’t seen before sitting next to him.

    The teen was shirtless, and he was wearing nothing but his boxer briefs, he couldn’t help but look at him. He was another beauty, caramel colored skin and black hair.

“Getting a nice look, aren’t ya?” the teen says. Liam shakes his head. He looks up and sees brown eyes starting at him. “I can’t really blame you.”

    “I’m not gay.” Liam says coldly, harsher then he would have liked. The other teen laughs loudly, and it makes Liam’s blood boil. He stands abruptly, stepping back and turning to face the other boy. “What’s your problem?” he asks.

     The other teen stands up, crossing his arms over his chest and smiling softly. He doesn’t seem at all bothered with how harsh Liam had been.

    “Calm down dude, I’m not here to pick a fight okay?” he says, raising his hands. “My name is Gadariel, but everyone just calls me Gabe.” He holds his hand out to Liam. He glances at it, but otherwise ignores it. “Okay then. I take it you’re Liam, correct?”

“What’s it to you?” he asks, his voice just as cold as it was before. His mood had changed entirely the moment he had made that comment, even if Liam himself couldn’t deny or confirm it. He didn’t even know if he liked men, he just finds them attractive. That’s not a reason for people to be calling him gay.

    “I’m Nolan’s best friend. Do you remember back when you were in Devenford prep?” Gabe asks and Liam can feel the bubble of rage making its way up his stomach. He swears one more word from this kid and he’s going to beat him up right here.

    “Liam!” he hears someone say, he doesn’t look back. Whoever is calling him can come to him if he really needs him. He sees Gabe’s feature change into a soft smile, he walks past Liam and he can’t help but turn around to see who it is.

    “Noley!” He hears Gabe call out, and he’s right. He sees the skinny guy running and jumping at Gabe, as if they were a married couple that had been separated for years. Liam can’t help but almost feel like an intruder, almost. He remembers Nolan from the party, he had been nice at first but then… Liam can’t remember what happened.

    He remembers the rage and the anger, but he can’t remember for the life of him what had happened. He looks at the two teens and sees them looking at him. He tries to look at the floor, to make it less uncomfortable since he refuses to leave. He was here first.

    “Hey, um, Liam?” Nolan asks, taking a step forward. Liam doesn’t want to talk to him but one look at Gabe lets him know that he won’t be getting out of here without a fight. “I wanted to apologize for what happened on Saturday,” he says, his voice sounding sympathetic.

    “It’s…it’s okay Nolan, I barely remember what happened.” Liam manages to answer. “I should be the one apologizing I think.” He says and Nolan opens his mouth to talk but Gabe takes a step forward and interrupts him.

    “Nolan accepts your apology,” Gabe says, and Nolan just smiles at Liam, “now I should apologize for my boyfriend- “

    “You guys are a couple?” Liam interrupts him before Gabe can finish. The reaction he gets is one he hadn’t been expecting. Nolan looks at Gabe and starts to laugh while Gabe does the same, the laughing continues for a few minutes until Nolan finally answers.

    “No, god no, Gabe is like a brother to me,” he says sitting down. “he means Brett.” Liam can’t believe what he had just heard, Brett? The Brett he had beaten up? What the fuck? “They’ve been dating for two years now,” Nolan adds.

    “That’s not the point.” Gabe joins in, “the point is that he made a threat to you. And Brett, if I’m being honest, doesn’t make threats that he won’t have me follow through, for him.” He says, as he grabs some sweat pants and a shirt. “And what Nolan has told me about you, almost makes me think that you’re not that bad, almost.”

    “Okay and?” Liam asks, not understanding where this is going. “He made a threat, and you apologized. So?”

    “So, if you ever touch him again, I’m going to make that threat a reality, okay?” Gabe answers, and Liam takes a step closer to him, his hands already making fists. He’s stopped by Nolan placing a hand on his and Gabe’s shoulders, Nolan looks at them both with a warm smile.

    “Can you both stop being all macho for like two seconds? We have a practice to go to, okay?” Nolan asks.

     Nolan’s right, of course, they do have a practice to go to. Gabe scoffs and heads over to his locker, Liam walks past Nolan who follows behind. “Hey, I really am sorry for what happened okay? And for Gabe’s attitude as well, he can be a handful sometimes.”

    Liam turns his head, looking at Nolan’s deep blue eyes and he can’t find it inside him to stay mad, at him or at Gabe, so he nods his head. He looks at Nolan one last time, and smiles. He walks away towards the field, leaving Nolan and Gabe back in the locker room. He walks towards the one thing that has always helped him stay grounded. To the one thing he truly loves.


End file.
